The Body Remembers; Fear, Trauma & Grasshoppers

So much of our healing can come from remembering and processing hard-to-deal-with situations. 

Even though at first, a traumatic or scary memory can trigger anxiety (especially for folks like me, dealing with PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), the results of not remembering can be even more harmful. 

Unfortunately, not remembering and not processing can result in stagnation, addictions, poor judgement, low self-esteen, unhealthy relationships with self and others, disordered behaviors and the like. 

Remembering a scary or deeply hurtful something that we may have forgotten about or that we never got around to processing can make small fears seem HUGE and unnatural, kind of like the giant in the bible, called Goliath. Yet, at the same time, those fears feel very real. 

For example, today after getting my Grateful Moves™️ in playing tennis with my sista-friend, I encountered a big grasshopper that happened to be chillin’ on a bench, right next to my car.  And yes, I was afraid of it. 

I started a video to talk about my fear and while talking I ‘remembered’ why I had such a fear of grasshoppers, which dates back to about 45 years ago when our family used to go visit my maternal uncle in Pendleton, Oregon for the Pendleton Round-up. Mmhmm, Black folks at the rodeo y’all and that was in the 1970’s. 

The first time we went there, the area had a horrible infestation of grasshoppers. They were huge and everywhere! Dead grasshoppers were even smashed all over the car from our roadtrip there. 

We were all afraid, but I believe that my fear was much more pronounced because of the childhood sexual (and physical) abuse I had gone through. 

For me, fear was associated with something that could kill me as that’s what the babysitter’s daughter used to tell me after she assaulted me, that if I ever told anyone, she would kill me. 

Processing trauma, loss, illness, death and so many tragedies that happen in life can be really difficult to do. Especially by yourself. 

I love to process by writing, creating, talking to a trusted friend or family member, going to trauma therapy—I went for the first time when I was 50. Never even heard of trauma therapy before then. 

Also, attending healing groups, like the ones our church, Imago Dei Eastside offers through a program called Refuge, can be very powerful and transforming with a person’s healing process. As the director of Eastside’s Refuge program, Cheryl Denise Baker always says, “We are usually hurt in community and also healed in community.”

Anyway, today when I saw the grasshopper, little Angie—my inner child—stood up with an unnatural fear, triggered by my 1970’s Nightmare in Pendleton movie playing in my head. But then, groan-a$$ Angela knew that this situation was not what happened in the past.

Holy Spirit brought a calm over me as I took a couple of deep breaths and told Lil’ Angie (and grown Angie) that this was not an infestation nor a biblical plague. It was one doggone grasshopper. So calm down and get in the car.  
I finally dealt with it, still scared as I quickly got into my car. Yet not quite as afraid as I was before.

As I write this blog, I am still in my car and the grasshopper is still sittin’ on the bench… chillin’ and not thinkin’ ‘bout me at all. 

Sooo… Today? This girl is gettin’ over her fears; one step (or one hop) at a time Honey Chile. Mmhmm.